speaking their language: a creative guide to communicating your love in the way your child will best hear it

Introduction

Can you recall the scene from Fiddler on the Roof where Tevye repeatedly sings to his wife, Golde, “Do you love me?” Her response is a tad dismissive at first as she’s offended he would even ask such a thing, but he persists, “Do you love me?” In response, she proceeds to rapidly list off all the ways she has served the family and her husband for the past 25 years — the laundry, the cooking, the cleaning, the bringing of five daughters into the world! How can he ask if she loves him in light of all these sacrifices?

Still, he presses her for a straight answer. Near the end of the song, Golde recollects all they have been through and how their affection for each other has grown over the years. She finally admits that she does, in fact, love him. The song closes with man and wife, sitting on their bed singing in harmony, “It doesn’t change a thing, but even so, after twenty-five years, it’s nice to know.”

If you’re familiar with Gary Chapman’s concept of love languages, it’s easy to see that Golde is an Acts of Service kind of girl, while her husband is definitely a Words of Affirmation man. In the disconnect of their communication through a round-about love song, we see the importance of studying and speaking the love languages of those closest to us as a means of loving them well.

For those who need an introduction (or refresher) on the concept of love languages, please check out Chapman’s website, www.5lovelanguages.com — here you will find a treasure trove of books, free quizzes, and study guides for those interested in his original thoughts and research.

For our purposes, we’ll use the basic definition of love languages as the manner in which we best express and receive love as individuals. Chapman categorizes these languages into:

amblefield.com | speaking their language — Knowing the love language of your spouse, children, and other close friends and family can go a long way in how you communicate effectively with them. For example, knowing that my husband feels most loved when I use my words, I intentionally take time to thank him for his hard work and the ways in which he serves me well. I look for opportunities to affirm his character through written notes or spoken words, and I commend him to our children, friends, and family often.
If I were to approach our marriage with only my own love language in view, which is receiving gifts, I would pick up something little for him at the grocery store just because it reminds me of him. I would make sure to acknowledge his birthday in sincere and meaningful ways, and I would put my hands to the creative task of making him small gifts throughout the year. Of course, he appreciates these things as well and loves when I show how I’m thinking of him in other ways, but words, words, words are the way to his heart.
In the same way, our children have love languages that give us key ways to speak life into their hearts and demonstrate unconditional love in tangible ways. Over the years, I have discovered that love languages don’t fit in a neat box — there are times when we are a combination of several, or a certain season or situation may bring a specific language style forward. That’s where the quizzes at the Five Love Languages website can be a powerful tool for parents. If you’re unsure what love language your child speaks, take a few minutes to make a cup of their favorite cozy drink and have them join you to work through the quiz together.

click here to take the quiz

Once you’ve got that information in your parenting toolbox, you can read on for some creative, practical ideas to speak your child’s love language in a way that opens doors of communication and connects your heart to theirs.

Each section features:

a brief introduction to the love language
five creative ideas for speaking that language to your child or teen
one printable or actionable resource to use right away

One final note before we dive into the good stuff: be sure to read through the sections you think might not apply to your child’s love language. There are many crossovers in the ideas that follow, and while something may be listed in the Acts of Service section, you’ll see that it also applies to Quality Time. Allow these ideas to spark your own and if you feel led, please share how you’re building intentionality into saying, “I love you!” to your kids by using the #amblefieldresourcelibrary hashtag.

This love language is characterized by using words — in written and verbal form — to speak life into the recipient’s heart. The literal words of “I love you” definitely fit into this category, but there are other ways of building our kids up that extend beyond that simple phrase. As parents, part of our job description is to be a good cheerleader for our children, and many would say encouraging their kids isn’t something that requires a lot of work. However, putting in a little extra effort and dedicated time to how we use our words with our teens and children can speak volumes to them. Here are five ideas to get you started:

keep a special journal:

In Louisa May Alcott’s Little Men, Jo Bhaer (formerly Jo March) runs a unique boarding school with her husband. She keeps a special book with a page for each boy in her care and makes notes of how they are doing — their victories and struggles; the ways she sees them growing. This is all shared individually with each boy on a weekly basis and serves as a great way to affirm their positive character qualities, while simultaneously calling them up into something greater in their areas of weakness. A simple journal and weekly or monthly date with your child could provide you with similar rich opportunities for bonding.

go on an affirmation walk:

This shouldn’t be announced to your child — just throw some hot cocoa into travel mugs, grab your kiddo and take a walk around the neighborhood or local park while taking the time to tell them all the things you love about them. And if a walk isn’t possible, cuddles on mom and dad’s big bed are a perfectly acceptable substitute while you chat.

write them an email or letter:

These days, our written communication is usually reserved for practical things only like making plans and sharing information. Rekindle the joy of hand-written letters (or thoughtfully crafted emails) and send one to your child or teen! These messages could be reserved for big events like birthdays, wiggly teeth, and first dates, or they could be a regular part of your rhythm for connecting.

build them up in front of others:

Whether you are sitting around the dinner table with the whole family, talking with that sweet older lady at church, or even chatting on the phone with a friend, take time to champion your child verbally, and especially if they are within earshot. Make sure you’re doing this in an authentic way — find natural points of conversation to compliment their character, relay a story of why you are proud of them, or even simply share what a blessing they are to you. By allowing your kids to hear you speak highly of them to others, you have the ability to fill their love tanks to overflowing.

This love language is characterized by dedicating time and presence to the recipient as a way of communicating affection. In the trenches of parenting, it can often seem that the time we spend with our kids is never-ending. Other circumstances can magnify that feeling tenfold: inclement weather, home education, a worldwide pandemic. When one day blurs into the next, we can confuse the quantity of time spent with our kids as being on equal footing with the quality of that time. To help guard against that confusion and to breath fresh life into how you give undivided attention to your child, here are five specific ways to spend time with them:

find a shared hobby:

Look for some common ground with your child or teen through an activity or recreation you can do together. Take an art or handicraft class together, head to the gym together, make music together, play Minecraft together — the key is that you have knit a tighter bond with your child through a shared experience.

keep your bed open to them:

Consider making a commitment with your spouse to have an “open bed” policy. We’re not necessarily talking about bed-sharing or co-sleeping, although that is another option for some families who place a high value on the love languages of quality time and physical touch. Rather, make sure your bed is an open and welcoming space for them to come and talk with you. Maybe your son is frustrated with little siblings and needs a safe place to vent and cry in private. Maybe your teen girl is walking through big emotions and needs someone to listen. The privacy of mom and dad’s room, coupled with the coziness of mom and dad’s bed, can open big channels of communication for your child.

invite them into a shared task:

This is a little different than finding a hobby to engage with alongside your child. Look for regular, daily chores and tasks and invite them to join you in the work. Designate your child to be your official sous chef and listen as they chatter away over that pot they are stirring. Text your teen to meet you in the driveway in their swimsuit to hose down the family car. Give your little one a pile of towels to fold while you tackle the harder stuff. These are all great opportunities to listen to their hearts while you keep your hands busy!

play with them:

While it may be tempting to skip over this idea if you’re not naturally inclined to “get down on the floor and play,” I encourage you to right-size it for what you can give your child. Perhaps it’s 15 minutes of Barbie-ing or LEGO explanations, maybe it’s plopping down on the couch for an hour with your teen to play a video game, maybe it’s grabbing a basketball and shooting hoops in the drive until they come find you. Engaging with them in their play — whatever that may be — communicates that you are interested in what they love and care about them enough to engage in it, too.

This love language is characterized by giving tangible items to the recipient as a token of affection. This style should come with a disclaimer because it often gets a bad rap — acts of service and quality time seem like noble ways of giving love, while receiving gifts can come off as self-centered or materialistic. Let me share why this is not the case: often, the person who identifies with receiving gifts as their love language could not care less if the item you gave them was an all-inclusive cruise or a thrift store trinket. What they really want and need is to feel deeply known and loved for who they are in a tangible way.

Because we’re talking about children, this love language can be hard to accurately detect — what child doesn’t enjoy gifts for their birthday or Christmas? One way to really distinguish between typical child behavior and a true love language in this area is to watch how they go about giving gifts. If they derive as much (and often more) pleasure from watching someone else open a gift they made or purchased, that’s a good clue. Here are five budget-friendly ways to speak the language of gift-giving:

pass something down to them:

These kinds of gifts can draw your child close in a special way as you are inviting them into a special sense of belonging within their greater family. Maybe gift them your favorite mug that they always want to drink out of; perhaps pass down a treasured grandfather’s pocket knife to a teen son on a special birthday. These gifts bless them with not only love but a deep sense of heritage.

surprise them with photographs:

This is another budget-friendly option for an easy gift you can give your child or teen — photographs. In our digital-centric world, many of our family photos are preserved and protected for generations to come within cloud storage options and digital photo albums. But, gifting your child a physical picture can touch their heart in a special way. Photos from their early years (kids are obsessed with their own baby photos), photos of your treasured memories with them, copies of family pictures of generations past — when you share these images, be sure to take a moment to jot down a note or tell them why you wanted them to have this particular memory. You might even consider giving them a special photo album or corkboard to display their new treasures.

make something with your hands:

Children easily recognize the attention and care that go into handmade gifts. Even if you don’t possess much skill in this area, a little effort can go a long way — a knitted hat, a baked treat, a pretty bookmark, a simple toy. Children are some of the best receivers of these kinds of gifts because they always show the appropriate amount of awe with “You made this for me?”

sign them up for a subscription:

There are so many great subscription services out there for all kinds of kids — LEGO subscriptions, art and craft boxes, STEM opportunities, sticker kits, and many more! Sign your child or teen up for one of these subscriptions and they’ll receive the added thrill of getting some exciting mail. If the budget doesn’t allow for one of these types of services, make your own! Make a book club where you get a new book for your child from the library every month and plan a discussion time with yummy treats and beverages. Or gather simple dollar store supplies for an open-ended craft night once a month!

This love language is characterized by the giving of time and energy to accomplish tasks that bless the recipient. Acts of service may be large or small, but to a certain degree, most moms and dads excel at this love language because it is so intricately tied to the basic rhythms of parenthood. We work hard to ensure the fridge and pantry are full of good food, we provide free taxi, laundry, and cleaning services, amidst a thousand other kindnesses we extend on a daily basis. Here are five intentional acts of service that go above and beyond the normal rhythms to speak love into your child or teen’s heart:

complete one of their chores:

This is probably the easiest task to accomplish, but if your child has any regular chores to complete around the house, take a moment to check one off the list on their behalf. It can be as simple as making their bed or taking the dog out, or perhaps it’s a little more involved like mowing the lawn or feeding the farm animals. Even if they don’t recognize your sacrifice right away, this simple way of showing them you are thinking of them can bless them in rich ways.

set up a special activity for them:

Younger children might receive this best, but creating a simple and intentional activity for after school or when they first wake up can have powerful effects. Set out a craft at the kitchen table or free-for-all art supplies, reserve a bunch of books from the library about their current obsession and create a cozy reading nook, or throw together a fun outdoor scavenger hunt. The novelty of this kind of service will stick with them for a long time.

look for ways to serve together:

For the child or teen who enjoys being the recipient of acts of service, you can bet they also enjoy serving others. Look for opportunities to link arms with them to be a blessing in your community — volunteer together, drive around town filling up Little Free Libraries and local food pantries, or bring them into the joy of blessing a sibling or neighbor. You’ll make some beautiful memories with them while also speaking their language.

help them practice a skill:

Joining in with your kids as they work on honing a specific skill set can be a great way to serve them and spend some quality time together. Pull up a chair to turn pages for your child as they practice their instrument, put your tennis shoes on and run outside to chase soccer balls that miss the goal, or invite your teen to study for their standardized test on your bed while you hold the flashcards.

This love language is characterized by specific ways of reaching out and showing affection in a physical manner. Hugs and kisses may be the first examples that come to mind, but there are many creative ways to physically connect with your child. It seems we lose a little bit of bodily autonomy upon becoming parents. Amen? From endless piggy-back rides to warm little bodies squished up to ours for another story, personal space can feel like a distant memory at times. But for the child whose love language is best received in the warmth of your hands and arms, the continued sacrifice on your part will have a lasting impact on their hearts. Here are five simple ways to connect with your child physically:

hold hands on a regular basis:

It may be second nature to hold hands with a spouse when it’s date night, and we may be used to holding a young child’s hand in the parking lot for safety. But holding hands simply for the sake of holding hands with our children throughout our day can communicate such care. Surprise your preteen by draping an arm around their shoulder as you walk in from the car. Go for a stroll in the neighborhood, hold hands with your child, and swing your arms like no one is looking. It doesn’t have to be an extended experience or overly planned, just look for little ways to literally grab hold of them to let them know they are loved.

engage in physical play:

We are all aware that physical play is crazy-good for burning off energy, but if you can get it to serve a double purpose of speaking your child’s love language, all the better. Play tag loudly and with abandon in the front yard, let your little ones run cars up and down your back while you lay on the floor, teach your child all those fun hand games you learned at recess — these simple acts of play will connect you physically and emotionally.

develop a secret handshake:

One of the greatest benefits of the love language of physical touch is its ability to communicate so much by saying so little. Taking the time to come up with a secret handshake can speak volumes when your kid needs to know they have a place of belonging with you. Throw in some crazy, silly moves and you’ve got a surefire way of making them giggle every time.

snuggle up on the couch:

This may seem like an overly simplified idea, but the impact of making space beside you on the couch or in the big chair and inviting your child to sit close should not be discounted or overlooked. Perhaps it’s family movie night and the pizza is gone — pause the movie, grab extra blankets and squish up with your child on the couch before pressing play again. Maybe it’s a quiet moment in the house where everyone is doing their own thing — reading, writing, homework. Stop what you’re doing, invite your teen to gather what they are working on, and look for a space where you can simply work alongside each other. The invitation to be close physically can warm them right down to their toes.

I hope this guide has sparked some creative ideas for simple, but intentional ways, to speak your child’s love language and make sure their love tank is filled. As a final reminder, do not underestimate the importance of communicating your love for your children and teens in the ways they will best receive it. When you approach them with intentionality, thoughtfulness, and warmth, you are doing everything in your power to keep their hearts soft.

Our culture would have us believe that we are in a type of war zone with our children — we see stereotypes in the media of teenagers rebelling and acting as if their parents are complete imbeciles, we are inclined to believe that an only child must behave like a spoiled brat, and social media perpetuates the cliche that all parents live for the moment when their kids jump on the big yellow school bus so they can pop open a new bottle of wine and relax. Society slaps some hollow humor on these things and says it’s just the way things are; there is nothing you can or should do about it.

don’t buy into these lies!

The narrative of your family life is handwritten by God and lived out in the big and small moments of each day. He offers so much more light and life for your family than the disappointing and heartbreaking alternative society presents.

Loving your children well models Christ’s love for them. The care you take in showing them that they are fully known, deeply wanted, and unconditionally loved gives them a glimpse of how their Heavenly Father knows them and desires a relationship with them.

“Loving your children well is Gospel work and one of the best ways we can fight back against the gathering darkness.”

With that in mind, spend some time listening to your daughter’s rambling dreams, tell your son how proud you are of his work ethic, give your 7-year-old a photograph of you and him together, make your teenager’s favorite snack and leave it on her bed for after school, and hug them all soundly for 20 seconds and feel them relax into your love.